Why Am I So Bad At Making Friends?

Why am I so bad at making friends?

If you searched for this post, then you are not alone. In today’s world, it can be really hard to make friends. Social isolation is a real thing now (link) and with the way the world works, it’s looking more that socializing will be the exception, not the norm.

With that said however, it may just be that you’re doing things that are either hindering your ability to make new friends or pushing them away. If this describes you then don’t worry; I used to be in your shoes. Not only did I have a hard time making new friends, I sure did a good job losing the friends I did make. But I turned that all around by changing my behaviors, and now I find it relatively easy to make new friends! You can do so as well, and today, I will show you how.

In this post, I’ll answer the question of “Why am I so bad at making friends?” I’ll give you the top 5 reasons that are potentially holding you back in making the friends you want and deserve. Some of these may be obvious to you, while others may be a surprise. Once you address these issues, you’ll probably find it easier to make new friends.

Without further ado, let’s get started!

1. You’re too shy.

You know, I kind of dislike using the term “too shy.” Because it places a stigma on you that you’re socially inept and that you can never change this. When I was a kid, all the teachers and classmates kept saying how I was too shy, and that stigma really hampered my social skills growing up. It was only later that when I grew up, that being shy isn’t something you’re stuck with, and it’s something you can change. In fact, I feel like I was just in a hostile environment as a kid and that I just needed to push my comfort zone a little more to be socially competent. That’s all it took really; hanging out with friendlier people and get out of my shell.

Anyways, that was a bit of a rant. But I wanted to show you that if you’re a shy person, you CAN change this. And the unfortunate news; if you want to make new friends, you MUST change this. If you want new friends but you’re too scared to talk to them, then this will be your biggest hindrance unfortunately.

But no one is telling you to get up on stage for a TED Talk or hit up a nightclub and talk to crazy random strangers! While it’s true that you do need to push your social comfort zone a bit in order to make new friends, you can always start small, such as:

• Going to events that you like (e.g. hobbies, book clubs, hiking)
• Hanging out with your current friends more often and meeting their mutual friends
• Going out to family outings

So you don’t need to throw yourself into the gauntlet if you’re socially shy. Try to slowly build up your social skills; it takes practice!

2. Not enough opportunities.

The second biggest reason why you are potentially bad at making friends; you’re simply not giving yourself enough opportunities to do so. Yes, this is something a lot of people don’t think about. If you’re not going out enough, it’s going to be hard to make new friends. If you find yourself working a full-time job and not doing anything else, then for sure you will be bad at making friends!

I understand that your schedule may be busy and that it’s hard to make time for friends. I get that because my schedule is as busy too. But if making new friends and keeping them is important to you, then you must dedicate the time and energy to making and nurturing friendships. Just like any other relationship, it needs your time and dedication.

At the very least, try to dedicate at least 1 occasion a week for your current friends or going to a social outing to meet new ones.

3. Unattractive and negative behaviors.

This is the one you may not want to hear. But it’s time to look at yourself and ask if you are doing anything that’s turning people off. Of course, none of us are perfect and you shouldn’t expect your friends for you to be perfect. But you may be doing stuff that is turning off a lot of people.

Here are some examples:

• Not being a good listener. No one wants to hang around someone who doesn’t listen to them, especially a friend. Being a great listener will win you lots of friends! Click here if you want to learn how to be a good listener.
• Being more of a taker than giver. This is a more complicated concept. But if you’re the one always taking from your friends (e.g. never pitching in for money), your friends will notice that and not want to hang around you.
• Being a bad person overall. Nobody wants to hang around a person who either does terrible things or treats people bad. If you’re not a decent person, then people won’t trust you and not want to hang around you.

Some of these things you may be aware of. But other times, you just need to ask a friend and let them be honest with you.

Don’t feel bad though; again, no one is perfect. I myself have had to correct my behaviors in order to change and keep friends around. You can do the same. If you’ve made mistakes, you can always change and your friends will forgive you and appreciate it when you make the effort to be a better friend. 🙂

4. Need to open up.

Opening up is a little different from being shy or introverted. Because you can be outgoing but a closed off person at the same time. When I say opening up, I mean things like talking about yourself, your personal life, sharing your personal stories, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, etc.

Opening up is INCREDIBLY important to making new friends and keeping them. Now I’m not saying to tell your entire life story to a complete stranger on your first interaction. But at some point, you need to let your guard down and open up to people so they can get to know you more and relate to you on a personal level. If all you do is talk about “surface level” stuff (e.g. the weather, your job, TV shows), then it’s going to be hard for people to be friends with you. They’re going to assume you want nothing to do with them, since you’re not being open in conversations.

So find some aspects about yourself that you’re willing to share with others, and let that help you connect socially. You can have prepared stories in mind, but I’d also recommend responding to people based on what they say. That way, you can genuinely connect with them.

5. Taking the initiative.

Last but not least, if you’re finding it hard to make new friends, then perhaps you just need to take the initiative. What do I mean by this? It means being the one to start things off, such as:

• Being the one to initiate and start a conversation with someone. Yes I know it’s hard for you shy, introverted people. But it makes s lot of difference.
• Asking people to hangout at a certain time and day. Hey, everyone is busy these days. But if you initiate hanging out, then they might come out.
• Taking contact information. When you meet someone for the first time and want to continue being friends, you should ask for their contact info to keep in touch with them. Whether it’s their phone number, email address or social media handle, you need some way to message them again to see each other again.

Conclusion

As you can see, there can be a lot of reasons why you might be having a hard time making new friends. From shying away to interaction, negative behaviors or simply needing more social opportunities, these factors can really influence how you meet new friends. But by fixing these things, you can make it a lot easier to make new friends!

I hope you found this post helpful. If you have any questions or feedback, leave them i the comments below.