Is Fighting With Friends Normal?

Is fighting with friends normal?

This is definitely an interesting topic. It’s a question that I have mixed feelings about. A lot of questions related to friendships in our 30s where there’s a clear answer and how to go about. But when it comes to fighting with friends, there’s no clear cut right answer, at least in my opinion.

Personally, this is something I struggle with. On one hand, I’ve grown up as a people pleaser and because I lacked a lot of confidence when I was younger, I always tried to avoid conflict. And although now I’m more than confident now to confront a situation with a friend when it needs to be, I still try to “keep the peace,” so to say. So in short, you could say that arguing with my friends helped resolved some issues and made things better.

But on the other hand, I look all the valuable friendships I’ve had. And a lot of them I never had to argue or fight with them, and we had great relationships despite the lack of conflict. Maybe it’s because we are socially savvy and know what not to say or do to each other to upset one another. Or we are low-drama people and don’t really like to cause a ruckus.  So maybe conflict with friends isn’t truly needed?

Either way, the question is complex and I wanted to delve deeper into the answer. So that’s what we will be discussing today.

In this post, I’ll go over the question “Is fighting with friends normal?” Whether you’ve had to deal arguing with friends or not, this post will go over the reasons why it may or may not be healthy for the friendship, depending on your circumstances. You will know the difference between a good fight a bad one.

Without further ado, let’s get started.

When fighting with friends can be considered normal.

There is a saying that if you aren’t fighting with your friends from time to time, then something is wrong with the friendship. At first, this might seem crazy to you. If they’re your friends, shouldn’t you be getting along with them, not fighting with them? I can certainly relate to this as a people pleaser; I don’t want conflict either!

But if you see where they’re coming from, then they’re totally correct (to a certain extent). You aren’t always going to get along with your friends. Sometimes they’ll do things that will piss you off, and sometimes you’ll do stuff to get them upset. A healthy friendship will involve some sort of argument or conflict when these things happen. And if you’ve ever had to deal with a situation like this, you know that they don’t ruin the friendship.

In fact, they strengthen friendships. Because not only do you learn more about your friends (i.e. what they don’t like, what their boundaries are), it allows for true and genuine interaction. It allows you and your friends to be express themselves honestly, and sometimes that can involve negative emotions. Let’s face it; no friendship is going to be perfect 100% of the time and you need fights to resolve any conflicts you may have with each other at times. Without being able to do this, you will have to suppress your true feelings. This means you (or your friend) won’t be able to show your true self and feelings to each other.

Another aspect is sometimes, we need to tell the truth because we want what’s best for our friends (or your friends want what’s best for you). That may involve some conflict and fighting with friends.

That’s why it’s so important to be able to have fights or conflicts from time to time, when necessary. It’s the only way for a friendship to grow.

When it’s not normal to fight with friends?

Now that I covered why conflict with friends is healthy, I also want to cover the cover the opposite end of this question. Fighting with your friends is NOT normal if it’s happening all the time. Notice in the previous section, I said “from time to time.” Conflicts with friends should be an everyday occurrence or whenever you see them.

If you or your friends are always arguing with each other very often, then something is wrong. It could be many things, such as:

• You or your friend has changed. This could be personality-wise or life situation (e.g. wanting to move onto a new phase of life). When this happens, you or your friend may not get along anymore, and it comes out in the form of frequent arguments. Click here to read my article about why friendships drift apart.

• Negative traits and behaviors from friends. There are some friends who exhibit negative behaviors and traits that make them want to argue/fight with you more often. Some love the drama. Others get easily upset when you don’t do things their way. Perhaps some of them have mental health issues that can affect the friendship. While they are your friends, it should never come at your expense.

• A deeper underlying issue. Perhaps there’s a big deep issue between you and your friend that needs resolving. Without it being resolved, the side effects include a lot of arguing and fighting.

In these situations, I would not consider fighting with friends healthy. Which brings me to my last point…

So how do you know when fighting with friends is healthy?

Surprisingly, I think it’s easy to intuitively know when fighting with your friends is healthy. Here’s how to know…

• Most healthy conflicts are one-off situations. Let’s say you did something or said something wrong to your friend, and they confront you about it. You apologize and be mindful in the future, and both of you have resolved the conflict. This is an example of a one-off conflict. You make up and move on.

• Does the fight resolve the conflict? The whole point of a fight between friends is to resolve something as soon as possible. If you or your friend were able to get something off their chest and both parties mutually agreed in the end, then that is a good sign. But if the conflict leaves things worse, then that may be a sign of an unhealthy friendship.

• How you feel at the end is the most important. This is by far the best way in my opinion to know if a conflict or argument is healthy. After the argument, how do you feel? A good conflict usually leaves both you and your friend in a better state than before (because the conflict was genuine). But if you end up feeling more hurt (or your friend did), then it’s not a healthy fight.

Going back to the last point, I remember a friend of mine who gave me some really harsh advice and truth about me. Oh man did it sting! But the thing is, I actually felt better after he told me that. While it hurt at first, I know he was trying to be helpful and wanted me to be at my best self. So it was coming from a good place. That’s the type of healthy conflict I’m talking about.

Conclusion

Anyways, I hope you found this post helpful. Fighting with friends is never pleasant and I’m sure a lot of you would want to avoid them. But as with anything in life, conflict may be necessary with friends at times. With that said, if they’re good friends, the conflicts will only come to strengthen your friendships, not deteriorate them.

If you have questions or feedback, leave them in the comments below!