How To Become A Good Listener In 5 Easy Steps
How to become a good listener!
If you’ve been following my blog or been reading my posts, then you know how much I emphasize being a good listener. Not only is it an important skill to have, it makes you a valuable and well-loved friend. In my opinion, a lot of people think having good talking skills is what makes you popular with friends. And in some ways, it can be true. But it’s actually being a good listener that truly makes you loved by friends. Being able to relate and be empathetic with others is so valuable to have.
But other a few points, I’ve never really talked about the specifics of being a good listener. While it may seem simple and clean, there are actually a few strategies and things you can do to become a great listener. And as someone who used to be a journalist, I have definitely a lot of experience being a good listener. And today, I wanted to share those tips with you.
In this post, I’ll give you 5 methods on how to become a good listener. Whether you’re trying to be a better friend or improve your relationships, listening is an important skill to have. And in this post, I’ll show you how to do that.
Without further ado, let’s get started!
1. Try to be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
When it comes to being a good listener, the first strategy I recommend you keeping in mind; being interested in what they have to say. The key difference from being a good friend versus a great friend; a good friend will just let the other friend talk without actually giving any feedback. A great friend will actually respond to the things that they said. While it’s okay to just let your friend talk and not respond, they would much appreciate it if they weren’t just talking to a soundboard that doesn’t reply back.
An example conversation:
Friend: Man, my coworker is so stupid! He did this and that etc. etc. etc.
Okay listener: So what are your plans for next week?
Great listener: Why is he so bad at his job? Does he know how to do his job? Does your boss know about that coworker?
In this scenario, the great listener will be a lot more appreciated by the friend than the okay listener, because the okay listener isn’t 2listening! They’re just allowing the friend to talk but the great listener is paying attention and asking stuff based on what they said (e.g. “Why is he so incompetent at his job?”
And yes, sometimes your friend talks about boring stuff. And if you’re the type of person who isn’t that empathetic and don’t really care about others, then you might find this difficult to do. But I feel like having a genuine curiosity for lie will help you have genuine conversations and find something interesting about that topic. For example, I LOVE Wikipedia and could probably spend all day reading their articles. Even if it’s a mundane topic I have no knowledge about, my own curiosity will make me interested in it.
If not, you can just say that you don’t really know too much about it and move onto another subject.
2. Ask questions about based on what they said.
Like I mentioned earlier, I used to be a journalist and one of the things you learn is listening to what the interviewee has to say. Getting the right quotes and important points is what makes a story captivating and intriguing.
Another technique you learn in journalism is the “follow-up question.” This is when you ask a question to the interviewee based on what they said. A follow-up question is not something you wrote down before the interview; it’s a question you made on the fly. So if the story was about a government program improving quality of life and they talk about more money to spend, a follow-up question would be, “What do you spend the extra disposable income on, now that you have more money to spend?”
You can bet that I use the follow-up question technique with my friends! By listening to what they have to say, I always ask them questions based on what they said. It shows that I’m listening to them and interested in what they have to say, making it easier to connect with them.
3. Don’t interrupt them.
I’ve always struggled with this, and somewhat still do today. Interrupting someone while they’re talking can make them feel frustrated. Not only will you not let them finish what they have to say, but they feel like they are being silenced and being paid attention to. This is especially true if you interrupt them AND change the subject; you basically implied that you didn’t listen to them and what they said is irrelevant. That’s a big no-no!
I have the opposite problem where I have so much stuff I want to say and reply back to what they had to say. But I sometimes accidentally cut them off too early and not allow them to finish talking. I used to have a problem with this and I usually noticed I did this when they had their arms crossed while talking. So I made it a habit to wait 3-5 seconds after they stopped talking for me to start talking back, just in case they more things to say.
So it’s pretty simple; let your friend keep talking and don’t interrupt them. Easier said than done for a lot of people, including myself. But not interrupting your friend is important to being a good listener.
4. Avoid talking about yourself.
Let’s make it clear; it’s okay to talk about yourself in general conversations with your friends. But when you’re in listening mode, you want to avoid talking about yourself. As friends, we have a tendency to try to relate to our friends by sharing our own stories that are similar to them. But if you’re not careful, instead of the conversation being about them, you can turn it into being about yourself, which is not what you want. For example, if your friend is talking about their bad breakup with their ex, and you start talking about your previous breakups, the friend may feel neglected because they wanted to talk about their situation, not hear about you.
I actually had this happen to me, where I tried to relate to a friend by sharing my own stories. But it only frustrated them because they had to listen to me go on and on with my rant! So instead of asking questions and getting them to share more about them, I made the conversation about me. So that’s why I recommend not talking about yourself when you’re listening to a friend. Only if they ask.
5. Eye contact and body language are important. (i.e. put down the phone!)
Last but not least, I feel like eye contact is important when you’re listening to a friend. Now I don’t mean starting into their eyes and their soul while they’re talking; that is just creepy! But it is important to maintain eye contact while listening, and have your body pointed towards them when they’re talking.
Imagine if you were talking and your friend says they’re listening. But you seem with their body turned away from you with their head looking down on their smartphone. You’d feel like they’re lying to you and not really paying attention. In today’s world, it can be hard to put down that phone with all the distractions/notifications/dopamine hit. But it’s important to give your friends your full attention when listening to them. Put down that phone!
Summary
To summarize, here are the 5 ways on how to become a good listener:
- Try to be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
- Ask questions about based on what they said.
- Don’t interrupt them.
- Avoid talking about yourself.
- Eye contact and body language are important. (i.e. put down the phone!)
And there you have it; 5 ways on how to become a good listener! I hope you found this post useful. Being a good listener takes some practice. But once you get good at it, I’m sure your friends will appreciate it. 🙂
If you have any questions or feedback, leave them in the comments below.
